Please don't find out who I am.

“Although we advice against it for obvious reason; if you could read your daughters diary you’d probably understand her better. “

I read that in a parental magazine. My first reaction was a sarcastic scoff, but then I thought; well it’s true. It got me thinking about blogging and anonymity. I remember one time when I was reading someone’s angry blog entry about their boyfriend I thought; well why doesn’t she just say all those things she wrote to him? Wouldn’t that just be simpler? Wouldn’t it solve the problem? And what if people we know could read our blogs; would they then understand us better and thus treat us differently? What if instead of blogging about our frustrations we’d just tell the respective individuals directly. It sounds like a simple and good idea. It will probably lead to either a) a solution to the issue or b) a separation and closure from such person and or issue. Both of these options are better than having the other person wonder what the f is up with us. Doesn’t this sound glorious? It isn’t. If people actually communicated better and if there was no anonymity and just raw honesty this world would be boring. They’d be no reason for fun girl nights filled with painful but funny tales of failed dates and sexcapades, the chocolate, booze and cigarette industry would go bankrupt and there’d be no Oprah Winfrey.

Recently I’ve been somewhat worried about my anonymity with this blog. I received an email notifying me of a friend who was following me on twitter. I’m listed as pink ditz on twitter and freaked out because I was cracking my brain as to how she’d know that I was pink ditz. After a couple of breaths and calm analyses into the situation I realized that my twitter account was linked to my personal Gmail email, my conclusion was that she must have simply found me because twitter notifies you of other people in your address book who also have twitter. I immediately switched my email linked to twitter to the email of this blog to prevent other people from finding me.

When I first started this blog I was already on livejournal so I posted an entry saying that I had moved linking to this new blog. However I panicked, decided that I wanted to keep this blog private from certain friends (even BFF) who are on livejournal and thus deleted the entry. For a brief 5 hours or so the link to this blog was in my Aim profile. I took it down. I did all this to share, or maybe it was a plea for attention. Lately however I’ve been worried about people finding out that this blog is mine. Not only because I want to protect my identity but mostly because I feel like it would defy the purpose of this blog. See this blog for me is an opportunity to be real, boldly uncensored and honest. If I knew that certain people read it I’d certainly start censoring my posts and that would defy the purpose of me having a place where I can vent safely.

Other than TA and JS, there are 2 other people I know in real life who read this blog. Both of which I don’t mind them reading it, in fact I think it’s really cool that they do. They are both amazing girls. I’m most afraid of people closer to me such as friends from home to find out about it, or anyone who lives on this tiny island.
I’m not that worried about live journal as I deleted my post after around 20 minutes. Slyth and BFF haven’t read that livejournal entry because I’d known if they did. As for my aim profile I have a very small buddy list because we use msn here and most people don’t even know what aim is. Plus what are the chances of people actually clicking on links in your body profile if they were only there for a few hours?

Just now I was about to post something that is related to a friend but I won’t do it yet. You see when I first made this blog I linked to some blogs of people I knew including Jeff. He then came to my blog because he had seen that someone visited his blog through mine. I emailed him after he commented just to say what’s up and it turned out that he had no idea that it was me. The thing is though he added me to his link list. Now usually I would be absolutely honored and thrilled if you blogroll me. But see we come from a small island, I’m starting to get afraid someone might go from his blog to mine and figure it out.
I installed ewebcounter a couple of weeks ago and so far only two people came from his blog to mine, both of which only spend 8 seconds on my blog, so I have nothing to worry about.
However I just emailed Jeff if he could remove me from his links in order to secure my anonymity. Hopefully he’ll read the email soon, and then I’ll be able to post in peace. Without freaking out.

Let me know how you all feel about this. Would you ever share your blog with someone you were dating? Would you feel that people would understand you better if they read your blog?

An update on my ovaries and general life

Let’s start with the blog update;
As you can see I have changed my title. I’ve been cringing about pinkstuffing for a while and Salsa dancing with my confusion seemed more fitting for my current life status. Some new stuff on my sidebar; my cast of characters, notes to self (shamelesly stealing JS's idea). I'll update my 'notes to self' weekly with lessons learned that hopefuly might be a warning to others. So check those out!

Now regarding my wacky everlasting period;
I finally got myself to the doctor. Unfortunately my MD was on vacation so I had to go to this other (male) doctor whom I’m not a big fan off. The first thing he told me was that this was not abnormal (I’m bleeding for 40 days, are you for real?) and that I might just have a dysfunctional period (oh really? Wow! Who would have thought right?) He said that my hormones could just have gotten messed up due to for example stress and once your cycle is messed up it doesn’t easily regulates itself back. But just to make sure he had me take a pelvic ultrasound. I was also put on hormone pills to stop my period and regulate it again. I was happy that the pills worked but was still nervous about receiving my ultrasound results. Now a couple of weeks ago I went back to get my results and it turns out that I have a couple of cysts in my ovaries. The doctor said that this might lead to me having polycystic ovaries syndrome. The only weird thing is that when I googled this it says that people with cysts in their ovaries almost never get their periods, which is the opposite of my problem. The plan now is to have me come back in a couple of weeks to do another pelvic ultrasound to monitor the situation with my cysts. In the meantime I shouldn’t panic. I’m not too worried, but cyst can turn cancerous or lead to infertility so I’m really really hoping that they don’t get worse (keep your fingers crossed for me!)

Boy update:
On Valentine’s Day I finally hooked up with Surfer. And last week things reached a new level between me and tanned Dutchman (trust me when I say more on this later!) And Mr. Shorty is anxiously pursuing me (it’s not great). But hey, despite this all being platonic at least I have 3 new men in my life! God I finally have a life again!

General stuff:
I’m currently working as a receptionist at an eco Resort. It’s very pretty and luxurious (despite being an eco resort). Most of my colleagues are in their twenties or early thirties which makes work fun. It’s a great job with a great salary considering my only completed education is high school. Thank god it entails so so much more than just hosting guest, booking tours and answering phones. Every day is a different diverse day with a new small crisis, and I absolutely love that! Most guests are great, and the annoying ones only provide me with great anecdotes for cocktail parties. I kept my other job at the restaurant though, I work there two nights a week and it’s still fun. With working at the Resort for 3 days a week and two nights a week at the restaurant, I only have two days off the week completely off. But it’s alright, 'cause it keeps me busy.

A thank you note to blogland

I would like to thank each and every one of you who commented on my last post. I mean it, from the bottom of my heart. You all might have no idea how much this meant to me. I wrote that in a mood of desperation in a time where I felt far away from everybody and felt like I had no one to talk to. All my friends from home had flown back to their respective colleges and there was no prospect of me reuniting with my college friends. I just felt very lonely. Every single comment I received was a new encouragement.
Sorry I left ya’ll in the dark for so long. For a while after my last posts I have not really been ‘living’. I had stopped contact with most of my friends, temporarily deactivated facebook and led a life of strictly work and sleep. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all bad there were days that I was happy and I have been functioning more than well at work, because work is a great distraction. Other than while working I haven’t really been living. My room was a mess I never cleaned; I rarely got out of it and was very unproductive at home. I believe there is one word that sums this all up and it is: Depression. Pap just calls it being lethargic.
I have now been crystallizing my plans and I’m proud to say that since the 2 weeks or so I’ve been acting like a normal person, you know someone who goes out, has a drink with friends and does things such as do her laundry and bringing her checks to the bank. Life basically is a choice, and choice is a funny word. The choice to live, the choice to move forward, the choice to change things, the choice to stop living below your potential.
After this post I’ll post an update on everything, I thought it be easier to separate them, for structural reasons (I’m weird like that)Thank you all so so much !!! I love blogland! And all my readers

I will bleed to death

My mind is racing. I'm scared shitless. This is probably the worse post to come back with. I know I've been MIA from the blog world, and I had wished to come back with another post.
But I have no one to talk to right now, and I'm very restless( very sad right?)
I hereby apologize to all male readers, and will urge them not to read further if they do not want to be grossed out. This is way beyond TMI.

I have been bleeding now since the 27th of December. And by bleeding I mean I have had my period ever since. Well it did sort of go away for 2 days, and then the spotting started again. It's been on and off since then.
I know what you are thinking : why the fuck haven't you been to a doctor since fucking ages ago? It's because I'm a stupid coward. My period has been weird since November. The kind of thing where I'd get my period twice a month.
At first I related it to stress, since I have been under a lot of stress lately and I'm definitly sleep deprived. So I thought the stress was just messing with my hormones.
Around the beginning of December I swore that If I got my period again I would go to the doctor. Then I got it on the 27th, I ignored the whole going to the doctor thing because I was to busy partying. Then around the 6th of January I thought; hmm why do I still have my period so I decided that action must be taken.
I'm ashamed to say that since then I have yet to show up at my doctor. I was supposed to go and simply slept through it. If you don't have an appointment the rule is you have to show up before 8:15 am. 8:15 am is a non-existent time for me if I don't have commitments.
So I've been stalling and stalling.
I know that I'm messing with my health and that this is not funny.
But I am just so so so afraid. I have nightmares the doctor might tell me that I won't be able to get kids, and therefor crash all my future soccermom dreams.
I know typical things people might suggest could be the case to explain this all:

a) you are having a miscarriage
b) you are pregnant
c) you have an std

Recently a friend emailed me about having a long period and said that they suggested it could be either A or B. And I thought; omg mine has definitely been there more days than hers, but my case is different.
I'm 98 % neither of these apply to me because last time I had sex(intercourse) was in fricking April ( yeah I know sad right)
And during May, June, July, September and October I was fine. So I can not possibly be pregnant from that hook up in April. We used a condom and I was on birth control.
It can't be an std because none of the symptoms match me,and if so they should have show up earlier.
Also April was right after I got tested for the first time for everything.
I had never been tested before and my gyn suggested that since I was a sexually active college student I should get tested just to be absolutely sure, despite me not having any complains what so ever.So I did, and all came back good. So April guy is the only guy after my tests, and again it wasn't unprotected sex.
My hormones could be messed up , but there hasn't been anything to alter them lately, I stopped my birth control all the way in June and was fine then.
This week I stopped having my period , just on Monday. Today I went to the bathroom and it was back in full force. Not a little spotting but a heavy flow. It scared the hell out of me.
What the f is wrong with me?????? This is a very scary mystery.
I am very scared, I'm having all sort of nightmares. I do not want anything to be wrong with my " ladyparts".
I want kids, and a healthy sex life.I was sobbing uncontrollably earlier.

My apologies if this post lacks proper grammar and isn't very coherent, my mind is just not sane at all right now.

Just my luck

New years guy (more on him later ) send me the following text today; Hey , go to mambo tonight.

First of all it sort of seemed like more of a command than a request to me. But maybe this is just his guy way of asking me whether or not I'm going out tonight?
I really want to go for obvious reasons; 1) sitting at home is lame and

2)I want to hook up with see him again.
But my usually always up for partying and clubbing friends are all unable to go tonight. HS BFF has chickenpox, Slyth has fever and is hanging out with her friend who is leaving soon, HS BFF 2 has family stuff.
What am I to do, I need my girlies! I can't go out alone and just meet up with the guy friends. A girl needs at least one girl at her side for the night.
Seriously why am I of all people the only healthy and family commitment free of my friends.
There's finally a good fuck guy opportunity and I can't seem to be able to grab it. Dammit.

Update: EB just offered to pick me up since I mentioned being bored. But I must refuse. Because it will be terrible terrible of me to use him as my transportation and then ditch him for new years guy.

New years guy just send me the cutest message saying he's bummed that I'm not going out , that he had a lot of fun the other night, that he really hopes to see me again and that I should add him to my msn buddy list. But considering we just met on new years day I do not want to go out specifically with him. That's too much. A casual I went out with my friends but just happened to bump into you is much better.

Happy 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy new year everyone!! May 2008 be a great year for you all!!

If I do not drink myself to death tonight/tomorrow morning I will start updating you on a shitload tomorrow!

Kisses!

Random thoughts of 2007

I saw this on twentysomethingbloggers; Courtney's blog and thought I'd give it a try.

The year in review.

Post the first sentences/thought from each month. See what was going on. See how random you are. See how far you've come.

January
I’m happy that I’m the only tanned one after Winter break.
I need to expand my social scenes, because I’m tired of the same parties with the same people. I wish I would end up at random house and frat parties just to meet different people; especially different guys.
I promise myself I will not just randomly sleep with a guy I just met.

February
I’m really stressed and mad at myself for not keeping my resolutions for the new semester. I’m late to class a lot and it bothers me. The weather makes it so that I only want to sleep. I think I need to drop my Chinese history class because I’m really going to fail.

March
I’m afraid I might have ruined another great friendship after lashing out on a friend during spring break. I love Florida and have no idea why I took University of Miami of off my college list, I’m really stupid.

April
I fucking hate snow. It’s April; stop snowing! I want to be home in the sun.

May
I can’t believe that school is ending. I have so much to do and I’m sure I’m going to fail my final for my Chinese history class. I’m really stressed,and I wish I didn’t make such poor choices. I’m loving all the new boys in my life but I’m also really confused about them and where I stand.

June
I’m home in paradise and it’s overrated. None of my friends are here and it’s boring to be on the beach all day. I need to get a job.

July
Summer is so much more boring than I thought. I just want to go back to college,I miss everyone too much. I fear I’m not going back and I’m very unsure about the future at the moment.

August
I’m depressed and I cry myself to sleep too much. I’m trying to find peace with my new situation but it’s harder than I thought.

September
I can’t deal with being home and living in my parents house, I feel like I have no freedom. I don’t know how to tell my mother that I don’t want to go to church with her. Life is tedious, there are no guys around and I don’t think I can survive this.

October
Secretly I don’t want to turn 21, I feel like I’m getting too old. I don’t feel much different from my teenage self and my immaturity bothers me.

November
I haven’t spoken to my mom for 4 days and we live in the same house, this is killing me.

December
I’m super excited for the holiday season, I can’t wait until all my friends are here so that I can party with them and catch up again.

I tried to type the first things that came to my mind and I restrained myself from editing anything. This is a really weird assignment though, it makes the year seems so insignificant. So short and less dramatic. It’s funny to see how a summary of a couple of sentences makes everything seem so much less important. It doesn’t do the year justice. When I think back about January it feels like yesterday.